Blog / Relationships
Change – Be ready for it!

Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing themselves ( Leo Tolstoy)

What we thought would last forever, has not!

What we thought we would have tomorrow, we have not!

Change is inevitable and is part of life. It is what brings everything forward as individuals, communities, countries.

It meets us everywhere, yet we resist it and find it difficult and we struggle to adjust when it is thrust upon us. Why? because we are creatures of habit and repetition. We like operating from automatic mode, it takes less energy and we have a natural inbuilt awareness of how things are going to work out when we repeat them.

A further challenge in change is because implicit to any new beginning is the ending of something else. Starting something new necessarily involves a ‘letting go’ of something old, something cherished, valued or at a minimum familiar.

Deaths, births, illness, accidents, relationship changes, successes and failures are all big changes in life. If these are experienced in the early years of life they were likely very formative and we may well hold the experience deep within us and use it as a reference point for how change feels. We can bring this reference point with us everywhere even if it is no longer appropriate to the present and it can hinder us in going forward positively in our lives.

The ending that is part of change, is important . We must see why change is required, why the older situation no longer applies or can no longer last, we must see the need for the change . Something new does not eradicate the old, but should build upon it. Without recognising this aspect of change our reluctance to leave the old can be the emotion that stops forward movement.

For example, when a relationship ends,

When someone close becomes ill,

When that job we thought was to be ours is given to a colleague,

When a former partner gets engaged six months after the break up,

When we are forced to live alone after a time in partnership,

All these necessitate change and force us to adjust to new and changed circumstances.

Change can be hard but it is inevitable , we cannot stop it , but we can prepare ourselves for it. To do so we need the skills, the insight and the understanding to cope well with change.

Remember everything changes eventually.

Live in the awareness that inevitable change can be thrust upon us and value what you have when you have it, nothing is a given in life. This can help us not to be quite as overwhelmed when change meets us.

Maintain good personal friendships

Having a confidante, someone you can be honest with and hopefully have some fun with, is a personal resource and support. Work on your social life, friends move on for many reasons. It happens. It is not a reflection on you.

Keep updating  your own personal interests, hobbies or sports.

Personal interests and activities which you enjoy work at many levels to help you, at a time of change. They give you distraction from your worries and keep you connected to people outside of your home.

Meaningful Involvement

We all work best when we feel that our efforts are useful and that they contribute positively to someone or something. This ” someone else” may be our boss, or it may be a neighbour or a local group or community project. When change occurs this involvement helps us to stay feeling connected and helps prevent us from spinning off into negativity and overwhelming feelings of aloneness.


Learning something new has been shown to increase confidence. It also keeps you connected to others and builds new horizons and perspectives within you. I advise clients to try something new each year. A new language , a new skill, a new hobby.

These actions can leave you well positioned for change when it occurs and it will occur.

What you can do!

Check out your local newspaper for local events, local groups , local sports clubs. Actively seek out new hobbies, new ways of being involved and new things to learn. Work on your social life, on meeting new people and on making new friends.