Trust

It’s  vital that you have trust in your relationship if it is to grow and strengthen.

You need to feel confident in your partner that they will be loyal to you and that what they say is the truth. 

You need to know that when he says he’s going to work that he’s not going to London to wine and dine another woman.

This is the foundation that allows you to deepen your emotional and sexual connection and to build a relationship for the long term.

So if there are trust issues you’ll need to examine if there is good reason for your distrust. Is it a pattern in your relationships, or have you chosen to share your love and life with the wrong one and need to get out of that relationship.

Is it you? 

Ask yourself the following questions

• Have you any reason for distrusting your partner?

• Is it something that she actually did or is it something that you feared could happen
• Have you found it difficult to trust in previous relationships

Understanding your own issues about trust  can really help you to make good decisions in relationships. If you’ve experienced serious disappointment, emotional or sexual abuse of any kind in childhood or in another relationship, then you may find it difficult to trust. 

If this has been your life story then you will need to tread carefully in relationships to ensure that you build trust slowly until you feel secure and safe before getting too involved.

Even then, you may find although your relationship has grown to the full commitment stage,that the issue of trust may still appear in your disagreements and arguments. 

You see if you’ve been hurt as a child there is a little part of you that remains in a state of readiness or defense against experiencing this pain again. 

You may be unaware of this, but your unconscious self is working like a watchdog or security guard protecting your emotions,checking and distancing you from anyone who can hurt you. 

This protective mechanism that you have is a good thing when danger is present but can damage a relationship that’s trying to grow. 

Because while it’s painful for you it’s also painful for your partner – especially if they’ve done nothing to deserve your mistrust. If you’re questioning and checking them and they do not understand where this is coming from then, they become the one disappointed and hurt.

The good news is there are things that you can do to help 

• Acknowledge your emotions – it’s vital that you acknowledge your pain or disappointment from your past – without acknowledgement this feeling will be driving and impacting your present behavior

• You will need to work it through- you must allow that emotion some expression that is appropriate- you may need to write a letter to the one who hurt you (no need to post it)

Just getting in touch with your feelings and giving them expression will help you to work it through. 

• Distinguish the past from the present – Try to look at the difference in the situation that you have now versus the situation of your past- here you need to to recognise your partner is different to the person who disappointed you before and you need to look at how you’ve changed and how much stronger you are now.

• Share your feelings with your partner– try to explain to your partner what’s going on for you and ask for their understanding.It’s important to remember that your emotions are your own personal  business to sort out – your partner  cannot do this for you,nor should they because they’re not your therapist- they are trying to be in a loving sexual, fun filled relationship with you. 

So if  after trying some of these strategies, you’re still checking phones, texts, emails without an actual reason and you’re living with that pain of doubt hovering on your shoulder then this is the time that you need to reach out for some professional help.